Cam Streistermanis

Broken bits, Rain,Toaka,Pukkelpop and Clubbing

2010-08-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lateness of my post as I have been alittle lazy of late.
Straight to the racing!Last week I woke up and said to myself that it was about time to turn the Switch on for a couple of races and actually ride my bike with anger for once this season.
I am well aware that my prep for this racing block, probaly wasnt one of my finest with no racing for 13 months and little aggresive training.
So off to west flanders I went to tackle a flat 120km race which would suit me to a tee.......well.As soon as the flag dropped the pace was on and on the first flat section the pace hit 62kph and the 140 of us riders were strung out into one painful line....i felt ok and after a few laps I decided to move up and get into the move....thats when my switch got turned off to the loud bang of my rear cosmic carbone spoke breaking and my bike loosing control as my wheel went spacko and nearly tossing me off as i tried to still race,after deciding that I didnt want to be the guy to bring the bunch down I kindly pulled out and into the Cafe.

A few days later I had the chance to race the local hometown race and decided to again turn some type of switch on.....probaly my first mistake as in the lead up to the race Belgium decided it would rain and then some for the next 36 hours.
Normally I would be running to the warmth of my couch and settling down to watch another romantic comedy and forget about cycling but as JoJo was more excited for his hometown race thn a pickled Ham at christmas I decided to pin on a number and try to harden up.
With the rain getting heavier as we approached the start I began thinking why Cam? why? But with every Belgian friend I have being at the race to try and cheer JoJo and I on, I knew I needed to atleast race 1 lap.
As soon as the whistle blew I decided to attack and see if anyone would come along for a few pain laps and was lucky to get 3 suckers to join me.
It became obvious that the only one in alot of pain on the first lap was me and my ego was quickly shut down.To say us Aussies are not really good at riding in the wet is an understatemnet and I freaked out alittle with the conditions and the fact that I could hardly see with what felt like every piece of dirt and grit in Belgium was in my eyes I decided to pull out of the race.I was looked upon by Belgians as a big wuss who had no heart.....NOT FAR WRONG and again quickly run for the shelter of my shower and again the local Cafe.
JoJo wenton to finish a strong 18th place as he rapidly improves...but he will never win unless he starts to pull his shorts down alittle as short shorts only have a place in an 80s gay club.

My new lady

One of the plans for this trip was to got to the music festival pukkelpop (pronounced pookelpop) the line up was impressive and I was excited to see Iron Maiden live as its just one of those things you can you have done.
This festival was huge and part of this trip was to camp for a few days as it was included with the festival.
As most people would know I am one for a bit more luxury and struggled with the camping scene and the lack of mirrors( gotta look good) and would of rounded out about 6 hours sleep for the 2 nights tahnks to the great people partying and playing music at 6am when Cam has just drifted off.
Goldfrapp my no.1 show

And silver pants to match

I also had the chance to go to one of the best clubs in Belgium with a friend and jumped at the oppurtinity to bust some moves and have a look at what a typical Belgie club is like.
Well............. Its goes something like this,very loud, lots of people OK music but still just on a Ipod shuffle mix,lots of women and lots of men wanting to be with them,me who just busted a few minor moves and had a few random conversations, a VIP room with no VIP people(myself included) and alot of wannabes....so it was your typical club which I really enjoyed even if I was half shagged from Pukkelpop.

Thats it for this update, I have a few exciting announcements to make in the coming weeks......though none will be an invitation to my wedding......damn Crystal!!!

Cam

Lockeren = Damn Fast

2010-08-08T00:58:00.000-07:00

120kms,134 riders and a dead flat course. That only means one ting in Belgium......Damn fast racing!!!!
A great warm day of 24 greeted us tardy riders for the 3rd round of Stad Lokeren, I had missed the first 2 as I am a fair weather rider(there I sais it) and prefer not to get wet.
After riding to the race I had a nice 30 km warm up with only a few short Cam detours thrown in (alittle lost)and I was feeling pretty good at the start line.Looking around I noticed former silver medal winning cyclocross pro American Jonathan Page who was looking rather cool and American.
From the gun we were sprawled out into single file as most clung on for dear death just trying to hold the wheel and not get dropped to soon, I on the other hand was feeling rather good and I finally feel comfertable at the high speeds over here and was enjoying the first hour at an average speed of 45.6kph.
With a nice short cornered cobble section(just put in to help the bike industry) I found myself with enough strength to start looking to get into some moves and have a bit of a crack..... though riding at the front to sitting in was another story and if you wanted to ride away from this bunch of lads you would have to be sitting on 55 in the twisty sections and 60 on the flat sections so it was a hard task.

I decided to try anyway and as I was just about near fron the big boys(probaly sensing The Cam was abbout to ride!!) attacked hard at the front and the winning break was formed at around the 75km mark.
As this large group of around 20 moved away it became obvious that there was alittle blocking going on and was fairly obvious that all the Lithuanian riders(even in different teams) were working for eachover and wanted in on some of those Euros.
I wasnt to fussed and the rest of us just rode around the rest of the race at a slow average og around 44kph for the remaining hour.
Sometimes you can smell a mass bunch sprint and the fact that they were paying top 30 was a nice deal breaket to sprint for that crisp 10 euro note!!!With the normal elbows and chopping going on I decided not to risk my pretty butt(butt man!!)and would sit this one out and roll over for an eventual 109th place which reeally didnt show off my good form for the day.

In the end It was a good idea as a mass crash happened over the finishline claiming some skin and ego and giving a few young Lions the chance to fet a ride with the Red Cross.
A good day none the less which saw me rack up 187kms in 5hr15mins not a bad day in the training log.
So that was Lokeren,Erodegem on Monday as I take a break over the weekend.

Till soon

Butt Man

2010-08-05T08:23:00.001-07:00

Week 3 down & Johan

2010-08-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

Now coming into my fourth week here in Belgium and now I am starting to get some of that Proper Belgian weather of rain and wind! Luckily it is still quite warm so you can put up with the rain.
The only downside of the wet is racing in the rain and something I really dread and so I have missed the 2 last races of Stad Lokeren as I do noy feel like getting wet and dont wanna chance getting sick.
I have still been able to get out on the bike to do some adventuring on new roads and am happy to say that I have not been getting as lost lately and have finally found my bearings.
I am looking forward to racing 3 races in the next 5 days if the weather holds as fridays race will feature alot of cobbles and Mondays race will be a fairly local race which also features a nice cobbled climb and for me that pretty much makes it a mini classic.
Other than that I have just been sitting back and relaxing,playing witj Toaka the dog and talking alot with my coach Mac about the rest of the year and what my goals are.....to say at the moment I would just like to break some PBs over here.

Other than that here is a picture of my neughbours,they are a fairly roudy bunch,though not to bad on the eye......for Belgians

Cam

Also befor I forget the other day I got the chance to breifly ride with the Lion of Flanders Johan Musseuw as his bunch rode along side me and I was speechless to say the least.

Bambrugge Photos

2010-08-01T06:38:00.001-07:00

Lede Criterium Photos

2010-08-01T06:04:00.001-07:00

Leading to Lede

2010-08-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

LEDE CRITERIUM 69KM

Friday night saw my first ever Criterium in Europe.Crits over here are not like the Crits of Aus,the race greeted me with a hard twisty circuit which included 8 corners and a distance of 69kms.
The good thing about this race was that I was paid 20 euro start money which is always good for the morale.
A nice large peleton as usual started the race and with a large crowd and mant supporters and fans of JoJo to set the scene for a great night.
We had to complete 30 laps of this challenging circuit which featured 2 small climbs and a rather nast high speed cobble section on a corner.
The race started off with the usual high speed start that I am becoming more than used to and we were suddenly strung out into single file,entering one of the last corners of the first lap I was pushed into the gutter at high speed and found myself hurtling out of control and preparing for a big crash......but somehow I found some skill and skidded my way out of harms way and back into the race.
With the speed in the high 50s I quickly settled into a rythym and rode around mid bunch as the big hitters attacked the living bajeebers out of us.
I found myself gaining most ground each lap on the cornered cobble section and finally found some use for my big butt(Butt Man) and was able to make a few places each lap.
Around half way and when I was feeling pretty good my rear wheel decided to have a bitch and I found myself with a rear flat...luckily for me I was allowed a lap out and got to enjoy an easy lap and enjoy the large crowd that had come out to enjoy the racing and also take in the random comments the crowd would yell to me as I looked for my spares man(comments which I had no idea what they were saying).
Unluckily for me as soon as I got my wheel change that was the lap the break was formed and I missed the chance to be in it(good excuse) as I had to go back to the main peleton.
After that the break of around 15 was gone and the rest of us attacked and attcked the living hell out eachover until the final lap were a crazy 40 man buch sprint was had, i wasnt feeling to brave and rolled in for a happy 32nd place.

The next day JoJo and I headed to Bambrugge for a 117km kermis and I had an off day and pulled the pin after 1 hour as the legs were saying no after the crit the previous night,JoJo hit some form and finished a hard 24th place in a quality field.

Thats racing for this week as I head to 3 days of racing at Stad Lokeron next week.

Till next post enjoy these photos from Lede criterium and Bambrugge Kermis and remember when in doubt..... ask what would Cam do?

Aalst Tour de France Criterium

2010-07-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

AALST CRITERIUM

2010-07-28T05:45:00.001-07:00

Some Lichtervelde pictures

2010-07-27T03:16:00.000-07:00

Thanks to POMER Koersfotographie for the great shots.

LOST and CONFUSED

2010-07-27T01:32:00.000-07:00

LICHTERVELDE 18X 6.1KM

Saturday greeted myself with another Kermis,JoJo and I travelled 70kms to west flanders or The Land of the Wind.
The race started off in typical Belgian style of really really fast and from the get go I was in lactic hell.
The course contained 2 small climbs with the main climb around 500 metres it was long enough to string out the bunch of 98 riders.

You know you are in a fast race when you think that you are going slow and that the pace has slowed and you look down at your speedo to see that you are doing 52kph on the flat.

I was having no problems on the flat sections until we would hit the main climb and I found myself stretched to the limits of my current form and alas at the 70km mark I pulled the pin after what was one damn hard race and a good training session in speed.
Still I was satisfied with my race and believe my form is coming.

LOUNDSKOUTER-OOSTERZELLE 13X9.1KM

On sunday i lined up for my second race in 2 days and I have to say that the legs were feeling good.
125 riders lined up for this Kermis race in oost vlaanderen and I started to become nervous when I saw several pro team cars rocking up with riders.
Lucklily for myself there was no major climbs and the course was fairly flat.
As soon as the whistle blew the pace was on and it was evident that none of the top riders wanted to hang around in the bunch for long.
The first hour was on a average of over 44 kph and we would reach speeds of over 65kph on some sections as the front runners tried to break away.
On the second lap a big group of around 25 got away and quickly built up a lead of 30 seconds, this made me happy as the pace in the main peleton slowed for a few minutes as they decided what to do.
This gave me some time to move up closer to the front and see what I could do.........Well I couldnt do much! I tried a few attacks with some other guys but as soon as I hit the front I could see that I still lack the race speed to be able to bridge the gaps.
After a few laps my Belgian bro JoJo was able to get into a move and was able to ride in the 2nd peleton and would eventually finish a completely buggered 40th.
I was happy to finish in the bunch and finish my first race of the season in style and kept the Lance fans happy with my black socks( as acording to most Belgians I look like the Boss.....)which had good height.

So 3 races down in 5 days and about 13 to go so I should find some form somewhere......RIGHT?

Tomorrow I will post some photos of the Aalst tour de francr criterium and show you some sexy photos of Ale Jet abd Fabian.

Cams Tip;If you are ever feeling ugly and unwanted,go visit Aalst in Belgium and you are sure to feel alot and I mean alot better about yourself.

Cam

53 minutes of fantastic pain

2010-07-22T03:52:00.000-07:00

Well i am finally here! Back in the land of chocolate and Beer,it was a long long 32hour journey to the end of the earth.
After a few days of wandering around with a massive case of jetlag I can now say that i have settled into Belgian life.
My first few days I spent sleeping and getting to know the area where i will be based for the next 6 weeks.
I will be based in Mere which is a tiny town around 25kms away from Brussells, i have to say that the house in which i am staying is a very European house which i think is actually older than Australia

And the house comes equiped with a typical Belgian view of paddicks and Cows.

THE RACE

I was in a bit of a hard place when i lined up for Wednesdays race in Kerksken. Kerksken is my old hometown from back in 2007 when i was quite a shy friendly young lad.
Mainly the reason i was in such a bad place at the start was because of the hammering i got in playing Paintball a few days earlier and i believe it was shoot the Aussie day and I have so many bruises I am beginning to look like my ex wife.

The Kerksken Kermis was 13 hard laps of a 9.1 km circuit which included 2 climbs and some crazy technical roads which would even test the best of the Fat Bastards.

With a few pro riders lining up at the start i begun to think that my first race back in 12 months was not going to be a walk in the park.

Bang as soon as the whistle blew the race was on! and starting on the 2nd climb I felt as though I was already on my limit, as usual a group formed on the first lap which meant that the whole ^peleton went crazy trying to catch up and we began to spend alot of time over the 60kmh mark.

After about 30 minutes i was feeling OK but the race pace was just so so fast i couldnt seem to get into a rythym and begun to hurt like a mother, the only place that i felt comfortable was on the main climb which went for about a 1km and the pace would slow to about 35kmh.

Feeling good did not last that long and soon it was clear that the lack of race days and lack of speed training was not on my side and I pulled the pin at the 53 minute mark and with around 45 kms on the clock.

To say I am pretty happy with my first race this season and believe that I will hit some good form in the next few weeks.

Here is a good photo of my Belgian brother JoJo in the white and myself hurting at the start,JoJo went on to finish in the bunch for another strong performance.

Here you see the bunch as we hit the base of the main climb,i am at the back in my Duro kit

So my first race is down as is my first week, I plan on racing again on saturday and sunday and will then go and watch the Tour de France criterium in Aalst this Monday which should be good for a perv.

Cam

First post to smack this blog to a start

2010-06-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

Well im back at it again! Heading to Belgie for what feels like the 100th time.
It only feels like yesterday that a naive Rhys Smith and I headed off to Belgium to see what we could make of ourselves.

Alas we were greeted by mega hard and fast races,strong as an ox 50 yo's and roads so rough they would pop even the toughest of saddle sours.
Though we still managed to have a great time.I should also mention that Mark Hooper was also there( but he is from Geelong ).
Now a little bit older and alot wiser i could'nt help but not take up the opportunity to travel over once again to Europe and travel and race my bike,I mean this fairytale of a life has to end sometime so i decided to just book a flight and run as i know normality is slowing taking over.

2010 would have to have been my greatest year yet, with my business Melbourne Soft Tissue Therapies gorwing stronger everyday like Jens Voight, I know i have been very lucky to fall into the small number of therapists like myself that can actually make a good living off being a Remedial Massage Therapist.I can't but say thanks to all the people who have mentored me and probaly given me to much of a helping hand.

I'll keep the rest of this short, I leave in 2 weeks for another mega trip, the form is good and the head is even better.

I don't really care about winning or losing, in the end its about living the dream and riding my bike.If you follow your own heart in life and don't let anyone bring you down you can achieve the life you always wanted...i know! I'm living proof.

Til Belgie

Cam

ps:,,,,,...."""" ''''' throw them in as i can't be bothered with good grammar.

* -THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT- *

2010-04-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

***** -THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT- *****

Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell

1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Euro Cyclist. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said Euro Cyclist wins with appropriate style.

2. Training shall be based solely on feel, while racing shall be guided by sensations and instinct: that is to say, “soul.” The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.

3. The Euro Cyclist shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or ANY team kit
containing non-prominent logos. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom (distinct in colour). In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further!

4. Legs shall be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (be it large or small) with ANY amount of stubble visible on one’s legs.

5. A prominent line where one’s kit ends and where one’s deep tan begins is essential to one's image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.

6. The socks of the Euro Cyclist shall extend to within two (2) cm. of the main bulge of the calf muscle, and shall never extend further than one (1) cm. past said primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.

7. Cycling shoes shall contain at least 80% white!
The following exceptions apply:
i) Colour combinations such as world cup stripes or Olympic gold for which the title has been EARNED.
ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes shall be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.

8. If white cycling shoes are not available where the Euro Cyclist resides, white booties (or “shoe covers”) with prominent logos shall ALWAYS be worn. When booties are worn, socks shall protrude approximately seven (7) cm. above the ankle, and shall always protrude at a minimum one (1) cm. from any booties worn.

9. One’s bike frame shall contain between two (2) and four (4) colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully and elegantly. In addition, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.

10. One shall race only on Campagnolo Boras or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404 or 202) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Irregardless, ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES on both training and race bikes.

11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of one’s ability in gluing them.

12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.

13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). The helmet shall be predominantly white. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with one’s euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors AT ANY TIME. It is encouraged that helmets are removed for proper patio etiquette, however, it is still considered acceptable to wear one’s helmet while outdoors on a patio (see rule 34).

14. In certain RARE cases, it shall be deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in a severely euro style, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE that rule 12 is followed in these special instances.

15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. The cycling cap may be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with the specifics of one’s current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all times in place of caps.

16. Kits must always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette (or “cologne”). It is, AT ALL TIMES FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit. This is severely detrimental to one’s image.

17. Saddles shall be white in colour ONLY and shall be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions may be made in the following cases:
i) Saddles containing World Cup Stripes or Olympic Gold when it is EARNED
ii) Italian flag colour combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)

18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as WHITE IN COLOUR. Bar tape shall be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or through frequent replacement. These jobs must NEVER be performed by the cyclist as one must maintain one’s image.

19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm long and of a rise no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours. In certain cases (Mario Cipollini) it is advised that one airbrush a buxom young woman onto the top of one’s stem.

20. The Euro Cyclist shall ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.

21. Facial hair shall be restricted to (at a maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, and any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note that this DOES NOT apply to the legs.

22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable component and it is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances and situations. The Euro Cyclist is expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy gruppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted.

23. One shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than 2000€ in ANY public place. This may be severely detrimental to one’s image. If such a situation cannot be helped, it is CRITICAL that the Euro Cyclist regard his “acquaintance” with a patrician mixture of disdain and SEVERE condescension.

24. One shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. This cannot be overemphasized! It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto one’s body before a race.

25. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are: cross-country skiing and long track speed skating.

26. Mountain bike gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves shall be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case of a Euro Cyclist wearing a leader’s jersey special gloves shall be made to match the colour of the jersey while simultaneously blending the colours of the team kit.

27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or TRIATHLETE) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Euro Cyclist, he is required to ride up uncomfortably close to his foe and slap them in the face with his team issue gloves.

28. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing one’s best to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm and head gesticulations are strongly encouraged to help enhance the apparent rage. It is permitted to throw a bottle, if the perpetrator was a commissaire on a motorbike.

29. One shall NEVER rearrange one’s package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.

30. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within two (2) metres of one’s bike.

31. Gearing shall be restricted to a titanium Campy Record 11-23 cassette with a ABSOLUTE MINIMUM of 42-53 up front. One must never be seen pedaling at a cadence greater than 90 rpm in order not to detract from one’s calm/smooth factor, or “Suplesse.” The use of 25-toothed cog is acceptable for severely mountainous training situations.

32. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to one’s home country’s flag, located on the top-tube within ten (10) cm. of the seat-tube ON THE DRIVE SIDE ONLY.

33. Pedals MUST be either Look or Time. No other pedals are to be considered. As always, ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.

34. Espresso is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed normale or ristretto on a patio (preferably in Italy) in full kit; All other coffee shall be brewed strong and taken BLACK. The only milk permitted may appear frothed on top (if at all). The euro cyclist shall, if possible, develop a fondness for the triple ristretto. For extra Euro, consider ordering inconvenient multiples (e.g. a triple or more). The irony of increasing the number of shots pulled while simultaneously decreasing the volume per shot will enhance the experience for all parties involved. Sugar is FROWNED UPON, and in all cases SWEETENERS ARE BANNED.

35. All podium shots (“pictures”) shall be taken while wearing one’s team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as Pumas). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. One is expected to display an appropriate degree of bulge while receiving kisses/trophies. The bulge may vary according to the outlandishness/impracticality of the victory prize (e.g. livestock and/or enormous cheese wheels).

36. All pre- and post-race activity SHALL be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massages, interviews, seductions, and looking fantastic) leaving one in reasonable distance of the Euro-sun to top up one’s enviable tanlines and pose for photos.

37. Post-race, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s attractive girlfriend, or
ii. Important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This shall be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.

38. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.

39. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s trance or progressive house, hereby known as 'euro beats.' NO EXCEPTIONS.

40. Water Bottles shall be referred to solely as "Bidons" and shall have a volume NOT EXCEEDING 500ml. Bidons shall always match team/kit colours. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE in ANY CIRCUMSTANCE to leave one’s bidons on the bike for more than ten (10) minutes post-ride OR while transporting bikes via bike rack.

41. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) shall be used on ALL BIKES. Exceptions include:
i) Special edition 24k gold cages, acceptable in certain cases such as photo shoots, prologues or where colour coordination dictates (e.g. gold cage with Olympic gold/white team kit).

42. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.

43. While soloing in for a victory, one shall ensure that one’s jersey is FULLY ZIPPED and ALIGNED so that all title sponsors are clearly visible. One shall then smile and flex one’s arms while pointing sky-wards. The projection of one’s fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

44. When appearing in a photo spread for a sponsor’s products, the Euro Cyclist has the option of appearing fully nude, in team kit, or in a full Brioni three-piece suit (nothing else). Smiling is PROHIBITED in these instances.

45. When appearing in documentaries, one must be seen walking around the hotel in one’s kit at all times. It is also recommended that one constantly be eating something in front of the cameras.

46. When asked "how are you?" while riding one must proceed with one of the following...
i. Complain about coming off a sickness
ii. Explain that one is peaking for bigger races later in the season
iii. Mention that this is a "recovery ride"
iv. Explain that one is at the tail end of one’s daily six (6) hour training ride

47. If one feels the urge to relieve oneself during a race, one shall gracefully meander to the back of the pack, seat oneself sideways on the saddle, and pee into the sunflowers. It is the DUTY of the Euro Cyclist to ensure that no camera crew catches the act, for it could be severely detrimental to one’s image. Under no circumstances shall one dismount from his bike in order to urinate.

48. When climbing anything with a gradient above twenty (20) percent OR lasting greater than four (4) kilometers, the Euro Cyclist shall fully unzip his jersey and let it flutter freely in the wind.

49. When dropping out of a race, one shall avoid the embarrassment of entering the official broomwagon and shall instead wait for the team vehicle. When asked the reason for dropping out, one shall cite mechanical problems or oncoming sickness in order to avoid any negative speculation in regards to one’s fitness.

50. If in doubt, the euro cyclist shall mention in an interview that his pollen allergies are acting up, and that he’s not sure that he’ll win the Giro this year. In this situation he must note that the sensations are otherwise good, and that he will eventually win a beautiful stage.

51. Team-building motivational camps shall be held annually in the off-season. These are to place team members in as ridiculous a setting as possible. Photos shall be widely reproduced to demonstrate team cohesion.

52. During the pre-race medical checks, star riders of each team are strongly advised to play doctor with each other while shirtless. Photos taken must strive to be as HOMO-EROTIC AS POSSIBLE.

53. In order to avoid the harsh European winter, one shall:
i. Flee to the warmer climates of Mallorca/South Africa/Canary Islands/etc.
ii. “Train the mind, body and soul” with Kreitler-brand rollers

54. In the event of a crash, regardless of the gravity of an injury the Euro Cyclist shall mummify himself in fishnet gauze. The act of gauzing oneself (in order to continue racing while injured) is looked upon with respect by other Euro Cyclists as a statement of commitment and of strength of character. One shall use white gauze to bandage injuries; however, world cup striped gauze and/or national colors may be used in addition to white in select circumstances.

55. No form of large or obtrusive tattoo shall be printed onto the skin anywhere on the body. Small, discreet tattoos of the Virgin Mary or Olympic rings (assuming one has participated in Olympic games) no larger than three (3) cm. by three cm. shall be considered tasteful if AND ONLY IF located out of sight while one wears regular kit.

56. If a rider’s sponsors do not make quality parts, then the rider shall buy better parts and superimpose his sponsor’s stickers over them (e.g. Quickstep's past rebranding of Time products as Specialized).

57. No rider shall wear any shorts with any type of hole showing skin below unless said hole and or opening was from a recent crash DURING that training session and/or race. Wearing ripped shorts is allowed ONLY while one is struggling to the finish and/or to the correct place to wait for the team car to take one out of the race.

58. When cresting the summit of a climb the Euro Cyclist will sit up, zip his jersey, and reach into his pocket for a snack while simultaneously looking back to see who will be accompanying him on the descent. Note that while coasting to allow another rider to catch up (in order to work together on the way down) is allowed, coasting in order to rest is FORBIDDEN.

59. The Euro Cyclist shall own a sizeable parrot and will ensure that he is seen walking around photo shoots with it perched either upon his casually outstretched index finger or upon his shoulder. Hair should be slicked back for maximal effect. The parrot should either be white or it should contain three (3) or more colors found within the World cup stripes. One must always smile when pictured with the parrot. The parrot should speak fluent Italian. In certain cases it is deemed advisable that the Euro Cyclist possess, in place of a parrot, SEVERAL young pumas.

60. The Euro Cyclist shall never ride deep carbon wheels with aluminum braking surfaces, with the exceptions of Mavic wheels and the Ghibli disc. Aluminum braking surfaces detract from the seamless transition of black carbon to black tire that makes the Euro cyclist look so devilish upon his race wheels. Deep carbon wheels shall have prominent decals upon them UNLESS they originate from Carbonsports in Germany.

61. When the Euro Cyclist wins a race or a grand tour he shall stylishly uncork the bottle of champagne and spray it around the podium. If the rider is ravenous, slightly overweight and German he shall place the opening of the champagne bottle close to his mouth and drink (heavily) with puffed out cheeks and a smile. If the rider is truly Euro he will take the ENTIRE bottle of champagne in his arms and parade about the finish area with it. Champagne bottles must be COMICALLY OVERSIZED. One should spray the podium girls. Especially if they are dressed in white.

62. At the finish of a Grand Tour the Euro cyclist shall celebrate by cycling around the finish area decked out in team kit and proper Euro casual footwear. If married, the Euro cyclist shall have his child in his arms. The toddler may rest upon his handlebars, or in the event that the Euro cyclist achieves a podium spot, accompany the rider onto the podium. The child should have its own victory salute that will be used in conjunction with that of his/her father. In some cases the child is permitted to wear an entirely-too-large team jersey. This rule shall be upheld by ALL riders save for Mario Cipollini, who would be unable to comply due to the sheer number of offspring he has fathered courting supermodels over the past two decades.

63. It is highly recommended that the Euro cyclist utilize any opportunity to humorously don equipment that failed during the demonstration of superior physical strength. This serves the dual purpose of mocking one's sponsor and, in addition, providing a public display of why said rider did not finish the race on the podium. Breaking equipment due to power output is generally the best way to finish a race outside of winning it. If no spectators are present, the Euro cyclist shall prominently wear the broken equipment during all post race interviews. If the Euro cyclist suffers more then two mechanical failures of similar nature in rapid succession, throwing a petulant tantrum is strongly suggested.